Bear
I would have gone totally mad in 2020 had it not been for my dear friend Katy.
Growing up, both my parents were alcoholics, and I found my younger years really confusing.
I spent an unhealthy amount of time on my own, and developed internal chatter which was critical, negative and unfair.
This chatter told me that I wasn’t good enough, that I was an embarrassment to my family, and that I didn’t handle myself well during my younger years.
And thus, I went into adulthood believing those three things to be true.
So I threw myself into my work.
I began my career in construction at 17 years old, and I was determined to find out how good I was. I was on a mission to get external validation, and if you have read Dr Tim Cantophers book ‘Curse of the Strong’, you will know my plan was flawed.
That was how I ended up working in several different countries, being Operations Director building Naval Warships, and working on international communications projects.
I was headed towards my fifties, and some old memories and emotions were bubbling back up.
I found Melinda Jacobs, an incredible Coach and Cellular Release Therapist at the back end of 2019, I was making progress on taking responsibility for myself.
I began changing my narrative and recognising my codependent behaviours.
Early on in 2020, upon her invitation, I joined her 8 month class, “The Highly Sensitives Thriving Guide”.
She must have sensed I was ready. Despite the fact I had no idea what the class was about, I had to attend, deep down I knew that it was going to be significant, and so I signed up.
On one hand, I felt like I had found home and on the other hand, the floor fell out from under me.
This class was explaining my reaction to all parts of my life.
It was a revelation to learn that so many of my memories in the last 50 years, created by growing up in an alcoholic environment, were distorted by my lack of self-awareness around my energetic sensitivity. In hindsight, it is a superpower beyond measure.
I had buried every emotion deep into my body; not just by avoiding the memory and the associated emotion, but by keeping myself so busy the darn things wouldn’t be able to come up for air.
For good measure, I emotionally stuffed it down with sugar, alcohol and a good dose of denial.
This was going to take some unpacking and I was ready. A new year, a fresh start.
2020 progressed, and it turned out to be a historic year, of course.
I spent most of the year avoiding the news which I was ill-equipped to listen to without being triggered into a bottle of red wine, when actually what I wanted to be doing was work on the exercises Melinda was giving us in her magical class.
I felt like I was grappling with an octopus – although I was soon to learn that they are beautiful and sensitive creatures who are masters of camouflage – so perhaps the octopus was grappling with me.
I found myself wanting to step out of the noise but not bury my emotions.
The collective was focused on pandemic and politics.
In terms of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the need for safety was being triggered all around me as well as inside of me and I realised I could feel the world’s anxiety – literally.
Help!
Stage right: Enter Katy Henry with her beautiful labrador Miss Gertie.
We found a 2 acre secure field for Miss Gertie and my German Shepherd Bear to run around in whilst she and I concentrated on our inner work. We walked. We walked and walked and walked, round and round and round.
And we talked.
We talked about everything important to do with our journey of awakening, energetic sensitivity and healing and absolutely nothing superficial.
We unpacked everything that was going on for us, and it felt like no stone was left unturned.
It was painful, tearful, joyous and celebratory.
We were thoughtful, kind and gentle, we were brave and honest.
It felt like I had begun my journey walking back into the human race.
We unpacked the big stuff, coached each other, held space for each other in the hardest of moments and some days, this would be for hours on end.
We asked ourselves and each other questions, and had stunning breakthroughs.
All whilst we walked round and round in squares as our dogs charged around, played in the water or kept close, almost as though they were earwigging.
It was through these walks my body began to let go of what it was holding onto. Unknowingly this created space for the quiet voice of my soul to be heard. What I heard most was the question “why am I here” and the answer was “be still, be quiet and you will hear me”.
I often wondered if the fear based distraction of being busy was masking something beautiful.
Katy’s brilliance shines so bright, she is a gifted intuitive healer and mentor. Time with her, alongside Melinda’s coaching and cellular release therapy, had been hand picked by Source and I knew this was special.
Source wanted me to wake up and was throwing everything and everyone at me that I needed to do just that.
My soul had called in the perfect support.
It had presented what I loved most so that I could do the inner work and release my body from the shackles of old memories and emotions.
Being outdoors, in nature, with my dog and a healer.
But 2020, despite my inner progress, dealt one final blow in December which knocked me sideways. I lost my dear mum. So sudden and unexpected, within a flash I was filled with excruciatingly painful grief, back at my desk, the place where I have always hidden behind the safety “of being busy”. The reality was I was holding onto the desk for dear life, worried if I let go I would fall off my chair, hit the floor never to get up again.
And Katy kept me walking. In the ice and rain we carried on well into 2021 walking in squares. It involved a lot more tears, days where I had such little energy I am sure it was a crawl.
And all these walks involved a magic ingredient.
Movement. The movement helped my body release.
I had once heard that people who do yoga are “doing the work” and it wasn’t until just recently that this sunk in.
Movement supports integration.
By walking and talking I finally got it, the penny dropped. My body was integrating. As I looked back at the last year I could see and feel a change in me.
Having rammed down years of memories and emotions, they eventually had to surface.
If I wanted to live a conscious life, they had to be set free.
I could no longer keep them contained, even if I had tried my hardest on my best day.
I was giving myself the combination of what would set me free. A loving person to hold up a mirror and physical movement.
And in realising this I would call Katy and say “I need to walk”. And we would walk. And I would progress. And in watching her journey, I knew she was too.
I also noticed how the animal kingdom gave me confirmation. Every week as we watched the dogs play, they would do what I call “shake it off”. When they had finished playing together, they would have a little shake. If one of them went off and chased a bird it would come back and have a shake.
Here they are, right in front of us teaching us, if we can only stop to notice.
Animals shake themselves off continually throughout the day as they transition from one thing to the next.
They don’t carry their “stuff” around with them.
We see them stretch out, have the zoomies, flap their wings or shake it off. They dance, do yoga and spin.
Animals do whatever movement they need to release themselves through the day.
Animals keep themselves energetically clear with movement.
And we are mammals, so of course, the same applies to us.
The walking, talking and integrating, combined with noticing the wildlife around me had the most incredible outcome.
My soul, now it could be heard, wanted me to connect to the animal kingdom.
And that was exactly what happened next.
I appreciate now how the combination of coaching and cellular release therapy, combined with what might look to passers-by as simply walking, returned me to my humanity. My gratitude to Melinda and Katy grows every week, a friendship has developed between the three of us which crosses continents and is deeply treasured.